Middle Age Minimalism

Interesting how a pandemic can make you grateful. Little things all of the sudden seem like really big things. Things taken for granted before seem like the air needed to breathe.

Like many of you we’ve been trying to live by the pandemic guidelines for what seems like years now. While we’ve probably not been as strict as some we have been home in our little space living as full a life as possible while trying not to get too crazy. In a previous post I commented about living small and that the things most missed was seeing the kids and grand babies.

As the mandates started lifting we had a family get together for the first time in months. Our kids arriving with snacks to share and stories and conversations all around. The newest grand baby was introduced to some family for the first time on his 4 month birthday. It made this Nana’s heart so happy to see almost everyone together.

And then today, I saw all my children. In one day. All of them. I dropped lunch off to my son, dropped some coasters off to my oldest daughter and her husband, and got a little snuggle with the newest grand baby. Then stopped by my youngest daughters work for a hug and to congratulate her on her new place. As I left the parking lot of that last stop I was so grateful. Grateful I could see them, hug them, touch their faces. I’ve missed them so much.

A year ago I may have made those rounds, but I might also have put them off until the next day or another day. I probably would have looked at my to-do list and decided I didn’t have time to stop today. I would have reminded myself they were grown-ups and at work or that I had just seen them recently.

Today, you couldn’t have kept me away from them regardless of how far out of the way I had to drive or the number of others things I ‘should’ have been doing. Today, I am incredibly grateful I CAN stop and see them. I can hug them, kiss their faces, tell them I love them in person. So why wouldn’t I? All those reasons that a few months ago would have seemed logical and reasonable, now seem ridiculous.

A recent call to my Aunt reminded me of this truth as well, when she answered her phone and when asked said yes, she was in the middle of something but my call was more important. We’ve learned recently too that sometimes that time is the last time we have the chance.

So pandemic or loss or just because we want to, this is a good time to remember that now is that time to do and say and be all those things we think we have time to do tomorrow. We may have years yet, but we may not and either way that time spent stopping, reminding those we love that they are worth it and giving them that hug or making that call might be the memory that gets us through a time we can’t be together or until we meet again.

I’m going to keep stopping.

-rache

I haven’t written in a while.
So many things happening and yet nothing. I feel quieted and as if minimalism is more the norm now than not. Many of us doing less, and seeing so few people that writing about living minimally seems almost trite.

I’ve asked myself recently what minimalism looks like when everything seems to be at its most minimum right now. So many people still unseen. Adventures still on hold. Outings still scrutinized and reviewed. Even the way we are choosing to eat seems to have joined the minimalistic train. I’ll save that particular adventure for another blog, but eating Keto has proven to have many benefits for our particular needs and I’m enjoying seeing the results of that adventure and hard work.

A few weeks ago I woke with a feeling of discontent. Not an overall discontent with life or plans, more about how I was spending my days. MP is back to work full time after a wonderful summer off. We took full advantage of the minimal living by camping multiple times and really roughing it, choosing to go as remote as possible and live very small. We loved it.

On that particular morning I realized that I spend quite a bit of time, daily, reviewing my social media accounts. Its a half hour here, 20 minutes there. A quick update review between tasks. My phone gave me a percentage of time I had spent that week on Facebook and Instagram and I was surprised at the double digit number that was much higher than any other apps numbers. Had I really spent that much time scrolling through other peoples pictures, memes and shared comments? And if so, what else could I have been doing with that time that I am sure would have been of greater value?

I have also realized recently that often times, after I have spent the first part of my day scrolling that I don’t feel positive. I don’t feel like I am energized and ready to launch into a productive day. Actually, quite the opposite.

So with those personal observations, I decided to do a social media fast. I set a goal to not look at social media for 7 days. I figured that at the end of 7 days I would have a very good feel for how it felt to not be on social media and I could make some decisions on what to keep.

With that decision, I text my kids, told them the plan and reminded them that if they needed me I could still be reached through text messaging or phone and that I would still love them to send me photos of the grand babies! I found it intriguing that I quickly got asked if everything was ok? As if going off social media meant something might be wrong. I assured them I was fine and just taking a break.

It proved to be an interesting week. The first day I found myself ‘clicking’ or almost clicking on the apps on my phone strictly out of habit. I’d get on the elevator and go to click the app. I’d be waiting in the car and go to click the app. I’d be standing in line and pick up my phone to do a quick check. It was habit! I wasn’t even thinking about what I was about to view. Each time I’d stop myself but I was aware that my brain was not used to down time.

After the first day or so, that habit became less prevalent, but I found myself wondering how to use certain times of the day. Like, first thing in the morning while drinking coffee, or the last few minutes of the day between MP getting off work and that evening cocktail. I started looking for positive articles to read or blogs to scan about things that I find interesting or uplifting. I worked on my craft projects a little more and picked up a book I had stopped reading midway through, which meant recharging my kindle.

After the 5th day I wasn’t really missing it. My time was being used in more fulfilling ways. I felt better. I didn’t have useless information taking up space in my brain. Mostly, it felt quieter. I did miss the ‘stories’ where my kids post cute videos of their kids doing cute things that Nana’s like to see. But other than that, I wasn’t any worse for the wear.

At the seven day mark, I opened each app, curious on what I had missed and here is the thing that really kind of surprised me. I hadn’t really missed anything. There were about 50 posts on each, most of them adds for HGTV and some cute photos that although they were fun to see, didn’t really have anything at all to do with my life. I opened some pages I follow only to find people upset about this or that all of which had been fixed by the time I was looking at the information and none of which I would have commented on.

Let me say here that I am not anti-social media. I enjoy it as much as the next person, but what I did realize is its easy to get sucked into looking at it way more than one thinks they do. And when it all comes up at once, after 7 days I realized very quickly how little of it matters. How missing it didn’t affect me in any tangible way at all.

At the end of my 7 day minimalistic approach to social media, I committed to another 7 days. I made it about 5 before I looked again. I was bored and in a waiting room with nothing to do and so what did I do? I opened my social media accounts and began to scroll. Nothing had changed. It was all the same things and I realized that if I wanted to break this habit I had to plan to fill my time with something else. I had to bring my kindle with me. I had to have articles saved to read. I had to have headphones so I could listen to a podcast.

That fast started about 6 weeks ago. I did great the first week, good the second week and then I found myself starting to fall right back into the habit of mindlessly scrolling multiple times a day again. Its so easy. Its so available. Its mostly useless.

I’ve debated taking the apps off my phone. For some reason, even after realizing what I have, that seems extreme. I feel like I will somehow lose contact…with people…that I haven’t talked to in years. Hm….

For now, I am working again on another ‘fast’. I am only looking at social media twice a day. Not in the mornings and not before bed. I’m muting people and things that aren’t mostly positive or at least neutral. I’m trying to find things to read that inspire me daily and I’m writing more than I have in a long time. I’ve started journaling daily with the goal to write at least 500 words every day. I’m on day 50 and enjoying that practice very much.

I’m researching and finding new music and I’m following blogs about things that interest me and that I want to learn about. Finance, retirement, art, decorating, middle age career changes.

Overall, I feel like this was a good experiment in minimalism. Digital minimalism. While my journey may not be everyone’s, taking some time off from this form of entertainment taught me some good things about myself. I want to use my time better. I want to know at the end of the day I learned something of value and am a more well rounded person then when I woke up. I am quite sure at the end of my life I will not regret having not spent more time on social media.

Let me know what you think. Have you set limits on you scrolling time and if so how did you manage it?

Until next time,

Rache

It’s funny how sometimes something seeming very insignificant can catch your eye and hold your attention. Or your heart.

MP and I went on a bike ride yesterday in our beautiful city of Boise along the greenbelt. It is a paved path along the river and through some neighborhoods and animal sanctuaries and a favorite of many who live locally for a nature filled walk, a fun bike ride or a peaceful run. Yesterday was a perfect 80 degrees and people were out enjoying the sunshine, the companionship we’ve all been missing and the ability to do something outdoors.

I took a quiet break from our ride to sit on a large rock near the river and near a restaurant that had outside seating and live music. The breeze was adding a perfect addition to the sound of the river, laughter of children and the chatter of people enjoying life. As I sat, a mother and her two pre-teen’s and their two dogs came and sat nearby, allowing their dogs to play in the river. I noticed right away that the kids were respected by their mom. Conversation flowing easily and each being allowed their turn and opinion. After sitting a bit, a server from the restaurant across the path brought them a bag of what looked like an order they must have placed for take out. They quickly decided to sit there by the river and eat.

When they each opened their beautifully boxed lunch it was quickly discovered that the young boys burger had come with cheese, which based on the response was not his favorite. His mom asked if he wanted her to take it off or reorder the meal. While I didn’t actually hear the response I watched as his mom carefully took his burger apart and stated to take the cheese off his sandwich. Unfortunately it had melted quite nicely. The mom, meticulously started to wipe the cheese off line by line with her finger. She would run her finger across the top of the burger, scraping off the cheese, lick her finger off, then do the next area. This mom worked to get all the cheese off for about 5 minutes and at the end asked he son it it looked like something he would want to eat now.

I have to admit there is a small part of me that thought maybe he could have just eaten it with cheese, but I love cheese so that’s not a very fair request for someone who might not. I on the other hand do not like ketchup and have often found myself scraping my burger when its been added by mistake, so I felt his pain. What was intriguing to me was her care for his desire to not have cheese on his burger. She calmly and lovingly did what was needed to make that a positive experience for him.

And I thought, as I have many times recently, that love can look like a lot of different things and maybe from the outside, be missed as just an act of life.

This thought first came to mind as I sat on the patio of my Aunts house during a recent visit to her and my Grans home. I spent 10 days with the two of them, watching as my Aunt lovingly cared for my 93 year old Grandmother and her little dog. Over the course of those 10 days I saw the daughter help the aged mother with her showers, her meals, her daily meds and her worry. She answered the same questions throughout most days over and over and always looked with intrigue every time my Gran mentioned the beautiful cloud formations. She took Gran on rides to get us all out of the house for a bit all the while checking in to make sure Gran was always doing ok and always treating her with respect. I knew I was seeing something unique throughout the week as I witnessed what love looked like in action.

The day before I was headed home, the three of us sat on the patio in the warm afternoon sun as my Aunt gave my beautiful Gran a much needed pedicure. She brought warm water in a tub, carefully removed the polish off each toe, and then lovingly asked before each clip of the clipper if it was ok, while she removed the thickened, yellowed nails. My Gran watched with concern but was never hurt as my Aunt took her time, again checking with every single clip to make sure it wasn’t going to hurt. As I watched, I was overwhelmed by the act of love I was given the opportunity to witness. There was no eye role or cross word. There was no demeaning chide as my Gran worried. Instead there was just love. And on any other given day in their lives it would have gone unnoticed and unseen.

That’s how acts of love are most of the time I think. It’s the meal that’s cooked, the bed that’s made with care, the special note in a suitcase as one leaves for travel. How easy it is to see the large things, the showy things as love. But really, love is shown in all the small things. MP always says there are no small things, and as I witnessed with tears rolling down my face, it is the smallest of things, like clipping someones toe nails, that say someone is loved. Love is all those little things. All those day to day thoughts put into actions that remind us that love is a verb. It is what we do not just how we feel about someone or words that we say.

I thought back over my relationship with my Gran as I watched this fragile woman continue to try and navigate her existence with grace. She and I had a special bond. We shared a lot of life in common. She was a gentle soul that always made me feel loved and special. Her worn hands held my face everyday I was there as she reminded me how much she loved me. She told me never to forget. And I won’t because her unconditional love for me was so many times in her actions. Her little gifts tucked in my suitcase that I would find after spending time with her. Holding my hand as a 40 year old woman as we walked the beach together and shared our hearts. Walking my children to school when she came to visit when they were young. Sitting next to me as I painted, commenting on each aspect of the art I was creating. As I look around my home even now, there are traces of her everywhere. A note she left me in a watering can magnet 20 years ago. A little sign reminding me I am loved every day with Gran’s little signature at the bottom, a pencil drawn smiley face with curly hair in the ‘G’ of her name.

We lost my beautiful Gran just days after I returned home from that visit last month. I will cherish those moments with her forever and will be eternally grateful for being able to witness what love looks like in action. I feel blessed to have been a quiet observer of things recently that remind me that love is patient, love is kind and…love is a gift. Not only one we receive but one we give in many small, often unseen forms.

I am blessed to have known such love. Such unconditional love from a woman who was not raised being loved well. And yet, she loved others perfectly and wholly as they were. Thank you for your example of love Aunt Sue and thank you to Gran for always loving me unconditionally. I know you’re happy and healthy and enjoying so many you lost too early. So many here miss you and always will.

Until I see you again, I will remember always being loved by you.

-rache