the Hustle

Today marks two weeks since I left my corporate job and all that came with it. Hours, salary, people, identity, title and stress. I’m proud of how I have spent these two weeks, taking my daughter to her doctor’s appointments for a grandson that is due any minute, studying, meditating, working out and incorporating Yoga into my daily routine. I’ve made a new meal every night and I’m enjoying the planning and prep like I used to.

Before I quit I made a list of things I’d like to explore while I have this year off and I continue to add to it as new things either come to mind or I see something and wonder about it. Some of those include more time to paint, make cards, send cards, learn macrame, work out daily and spend time in a new devotional. What was not on my list is the time I’ve had with my daughter as she puts the final touches on the nursery for her upcoming son. We spent one day this week touching up the crib and creating a wall in his room with a beautiful saying about changing his world, that my daughter hand wrote, on the wall!! Its so personal and beautiful and I feel blessed to have been part.

I’ve been invited to her appointments and yesterday got to see and feel his sweet little foot while hearing his heartbeat. All of these wonderful adventures were not things that I had planned. They were spontaneous and delightful as they played themselves out in the most perfect ways.

I had lunch with a friend who shared some very enlightened thoughts on acceptance and expectations. I have thought on our conversation and her words so many times since we met and know that they are a launching spot for growth this year. I look forward to seeing where they lead and who I become based on the time we spend together.

And I’ve cried every day.

For over a year I’ve been reading about and trying to practice being present. I’ve been meditating when I could find time and spending time trying to be silent all in the hopes it would ‘help’ and this week, so much of that study has started to show itself as benefit. I’ve had quiet moments of clarity that I have not before experienced in my life, and overwhelming gratitude. Hence the crying.

I can’t believe this is my life. Every moment choosing how to spend my time and my energy. Where to focus thought and the ability to spend time doing things I know are helping make me healthy. Not once have I felt rushed or pushed or had anxiety about how to get it all done and yet at the end of each day I still have things I look forward to doing tomorrow, things I didn’t get to today. I make a list every day of things I’d like to accomplish, marking them off as I go and forwarding any undone to the next day, and my soul is at peace.

I’ve had two occasions this week to be in a craft store (don’t worry MP!) and each time I was drawn to the planners. I like planners. I like tablets and binder and notebooks. Truth be told, I just really love any kind of paper. As I perused each book, looking for the details that made each of them different, I had the thought that maybe I ‘needed’ one. After all, I do have appointments to keep track of, things I am doing that are scheduled. I thought I could put my daily list in it and grocery needs and you know… have a planner. The last one I opened had each day scheduled by the half hour. A slot every thirty minutes. I immediately said, out loud, “I do not want to be that scheduled”. It actually gave me angst to think about having things so rigid. My daughter later commented that she was surprised by the comment because she has always known me to be a planner. Someone who found value in being busy because busy meant successful.

She was right. As I’m contemplating why I burned out of corporate America, part of it was my need to be seen as and to be busy. After all, busy is the outward way we know we are progressing and accomplishing, right? It was the way I knew I was climbing, growing, becoming ….something. But sadly, I believe that was part of what makes many of us slowly die inside. We give up the things that fill our time, the things that help us stay healthy and alive, for the busyness of meetings and demands that are pitched as urgent or vital. It happens slowly. First I gave up just one work out a week. Then I remember having the conversation with MP about what the minimum amount of workouts I’d need to do to maintain where I was at that point would be. It happened slowly but I traded, little by little, all the things that made me alive and happy for the things that kept me busy. The hustle was addicting and I was a junkie in the darkest sense of the word.

Hustle, Rest, Repeat
Hustle Hard
Hustle beats talent when talent doesn’t Hustle
Some days I’m humble, some days I struggle, but I always Hustle

Its cool to be a hustler! Even cooler to be labeled or seen as a hustler. I’m not saying that working hard is bad by any means, and I know that hustling is a catchphrase at the moment that encompasses pouring yourself into your dreams and I’m all for that. I also believe its worth considering the cost of the hustle with a measurement larger then the corporate ladder and to not buy into the idea that hustle for hustling sake is healthy for everyone.

This is the first of a few things I’m realizing just two weeks into my journey. For me, the manic hustle, the busy for busyness sake was my enemy. There is always going to be more, always going to be another meeting, another crisis, another need and I let those things wiggle their way into first place, before my health, my fitness and my family. Its easy to see from this side looking back the quiet progression and how I got caught up in believing I was just doing what needed to be done.

As I contemplate that progression and the opportunity to re-evaluate things, I hope to continue to cry every day. Tears of gratitude. Tears of becoming.

I’m going to live my life without a day planner for a while. I’m going to live outside my norm of filling ever minute and consciously continue to minimize in my life. I’m learning about me and I don’t need time slots all filled in to do that. I’m choosing who I want to be and I’m getting ready to meet the newest member of this amazing family. While my days are full, I am far from busy. Each thing I do is a choice and I am enjoying every thirty minutes of it !

This is my year of Discovery and I am more excited every day as I experience new things about myself, my life, my family and my world. My path to and with minimalism is taking me down this very unique road and for that my heart is overflowing with gratitude.
Thanks for coming along with me on the journey.

Until next time…

-rache

The Leaving

I gave my notice through email because I had been waiting for a call back for days
So…I sent my resignation letter through email and didn’t like doing it that way one bit
But it was time.

Three days later, with no acknowledgment of having received it, I sent it again asking if it had been received
(Looking back, I should have sent it with a return receipt, I know)
The next day I got the following email with its one word answer

“Received”

And then they went silent for the next two weeks
No emails
No exit strategy discussions
No questions
Just silence from their corporate office half way across the US

And….I was confirmed
This is the company that I couldn’t quite figure out for the six months I was there
Why don’t people answer my questions or emails?
Why are all the processes set up as if to make things more difficult then they need to be?

The job turned out to be totally different then what they told me when I took it
But it was exactly what I needed to make the change

And so…. I left corporate America
I think for good

I plan to take a year off
Really think about what I’d like to do
No more management
No more trying to tell people who have an MD or a PHD behind their name what to do

And here is the blessing and really what made this choice even optional….
We’ve been preparing for this for months
Years really
And didn’t even know it
Well, not specifically anyway

We became debt free earlier this year and since then we have been saving 90% of my paycheck and donating the other 10%
So we already know how to live on the Cowboys salary

We downsized our living space and our ‘things’ and started living a minimalistic lifestyle almost a year ago
There will not be big adjustments to make there either

I don’t know a lot of people my age, 51, who get an opportunity like this
I feel so blessed and excited and hopeful

Not everyday has been blissful while making this decision
One day I was so overcome by fear as my inner voice started to wonder what the hell I was doing…that I had to pull my car over

“If there is a recession, you’ll never work again”
“You’re too old, you’ll never be hired again”
“You’re going to ruin all your retirement plans”
“All you know is the medical field, you’ll never get into something else”
“You’re so selfish, broken, unable ……..”

I realized it was fear talking to me
None of those things were real, none of those things were true
And once I acknowledged that fear, and where it was coming from, I found a beautiful peace wash over me
A feeling I’ve gone back to whenever I start to feel anxious since then

And, so I jumped.
I left the job one week ago
Its was really hard to not be able to pass off the tasks in a professional way
To at least talk someone through where different projects are at or things to be watchful for
Actually, talk to anyone at all
I did not do the transition like I’d have liked to
But that wasn’t my choice
I wish them well

This week I have started a list of things I want to do with this time
I want to look back at it and know I shook this gift for all it was worth
I want to get fit and healthy again, read daily, mediate, worship, incorporate yoga into my weekly workouts, send notes weekly to those I love, journal, walk, swim, create
I have so many plans
and I’m so excited for this adventure.

One last note….
I know there is something I can’t even imagine coming
I’ve felt it for a while now and for the first time in my life I’m totally ok waiting to see what that is….
I’m not looking yet
I’m not trying to figure out what it might be or how it will work
I am not going to create it
I’m just going to work on me and wait to see what God has waiting for me
Because…its going to be great!

I plan to write more about leaving Corporate America too, but for now….I can hardly wait for this next Grand Adventure!